


Guilt or Grief

by Callisto_HK



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 11:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7932298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callisto_HK/pseuds/Callisto_HK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A witness protection program gone wrong sends the team's dynamics into a tailspin. Decisions made in spur of the moment and words exchanged in a moment of despair and guilt are threats that can't be ignored. They have their work cut out for them if they want to recover their equilibrium./ Set in season 12.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There might be OOC moments ahead, but that, too, depends on how you see everyone and the show! And it, definitely, was needed for the sake of the story!

"Agent DiNozzo?"

Someone was calling him.

"Please."

Hmm, why was she begging him to answer? And, why was he so tired? And who was she anyway? And why was she sounding so panicky?

"Somebody, HELP!"

Whoever this person was, she needed to yell way louder than that if she expected to be heard over the sound of water.

_Wait, water?_

Why was every sound so muffled and what was that noise that sounded a lot like water pouring down and where the hell was he, anyway, and just what the hell was going on?

That was when memories flashed through his mind as he remembered a few things that probably would explain his killing headache and the current situation in general; they were driving back from Richmond to DC. Gibbs was driving and he occupied the passenger seat, while Bishop took her usual place in the backseat. There was someone else with them... Someone... A woman... Yes, there was a woman with them. A witness.

 _'Holy shit'_ , they were driving a witness back to the Navy Yard and that was when the accident had happened. Well, it couldn't be called an accident since Tony was sure they were being shot at and thanks to Gibbs' less than safe driving, controlling the car had become impossible and apparently they'd somehow ended up in the water.

Again; water? Huh, that explained the sounds he'd been hearing and apparently he'd hit his head or something during their monumental fall, hence the killing headache.

If he could grin, Tony would've done so right then as he felt triumphant about solving his mystery.

_'But wait, damn. Water. They were stuck in the water.'_

His eyes flew open and he jerked forward as the realization finally hit him- and it hit him really hard!

The pain that followed the jerking awake almost sent him back to unconsciousness, but being the stubborn, pigheaded man he was, Tony clung to consciousness and concentrated on his breathing instead of the pain until he felt a bit more coherent.

Blinking slowly, he tried to bring everything into focus and that's when he started to panic a little bit, at least on the inside.

The left side of the SUV was already filled with water, which meant Gibbs was almost under the water and since the older man was unconscious, soon, Tony was going have to relive the day that he'd hoped he'd never go through again; the one with Maddie Tyler and a dead, _drowned_ , Gibbs and him having to revive the man by performing CPR on him; he just didn't want to think about losing Gibbs again.

The only problem was that this time, he was stuck in the car, as well. Well, when it rains, it pours.

Turning around in his seat, he found Ellie in the backseat, also unconscious, but at least she seemed to have a few minutes before going completely under the water.

And then there was Grace; the young woman who they were escorting back to the Navy Yard.

"Agent DiNozzo?" She sounded breathless. "Oh Thank God. I thought you were all dead."

"Hey." Tony croaked and he was surprised to find his voice so weak. Pushing his problems down for the moment, he concentrated on the woman in the backseat. Seemed like for the moment, she was safe from the water, but Tony knew it'd only take minutes for her side of car to be filled with water, too and since he was the only agent awake between them all, it was his duty to save them. And if he was going to get them all out of that wet hell, he had to act fast, because the moment he found a way out, the car would immediately be filled with water and then they were even more screwed, and then there was the fact that whoever had shot at them, could be still out there.

Damn. Damn and double damn. What the hell was he supposed to do?

Grabbing his seat belt, he freed himself and pretended he didn't notice the blood on his shirt.

Taking a good look around and assessing the situation, he first pulled Gibbs towards himself to make sure the older man wouldn't drown just yet. His attempt to wake him or Ellie was unsuccessful, so he decided to take the next step. He had to take them out and he had to start with the witness, because as much as it pained him to leave his friends in the car, he couldn't let the civilian take the brunt of the situation and especially not when she was their responsibility.

Biting his lip to control the pain and dizziness, he turned around and started to get to Grace.

"Grace. I'm gonna get you outta here. OK? You alright?"

"I'm... I'm not hurt too bad, but... But I don't think you can get me out by yourself." The young woman answered honestly.

"What do you mean?" Tony looked at her worriedly and that's when he saw what the problem was. She was probably stuck there between the front seat and the door and a piece of metal had disappeared under her shirt, where it was wet with blood. "Shit."

"Yeah." She chuckled. "But, like I said, it's not too bad, at least not now; why don't you get your friends out and then call for help for me?"

Tony looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "Grace, the moment I open a way out of here, the car will be filled with water. I can't leave you here."

"Oh." She clearly hadn't thought of that.

"Yeah, Oh." Tony smiled, but on the inside he was cursing himself, his luck and his situation. Why couldn't it be Gibbs that was the conscious one, being forced to make the difficult decision?

How could he make a decision like this? Why did it always have to be him making life and death decisions when his friends were involved? I mean what were the chances of it happening over and over and _over_ again? He didn't want to be logical and think that with a job like his, the chances were usually high.

 _'Suck it up, Anthony. Act now. Panic later.'_ He muttered under his breath and took a deep breath which was a mistake because pain almost made him scream.

"Are they alive?" Grace's voice brought him back. "I mean I know Agent Bishop is, she's breathing, but I couldn't wake her up and Agent Gibbs and neither could you, so... I don't know."

"They're alive... But they won't stay that way for long." He added the last part quietly, but Grace heard it anyway.

"Then do something. You can't save me, but it's not too late for them."

Tony closed his eyes briefly.

"I'll save you."

"Agent Di-"

"Tony."

"What?"

"With what we're dealing with, I think Agent DiNozzo is a bit too formal."

"Right." She chuckled. "OK, thanks. Well, Tony, I'm alive for now and believe me I don't wanna die, so I'll hang on, but would you please do something? If you try to save me first-"

"Everyone would die." Tony ended her sentence.

"Including me, probably. Not to mention you seemed to be seriously injured yourself."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, sure." She actually rolled her eyes. "Med student, here. Remember?"

Tony sighed and glanced at Gibbs and saw that the older man was once again going under the water. OK, enough was enough. With Grace being stuck, the decision was kinda made for him; he knew he'd never be able to forgive himself if Grace didn't survive that accident and he knew Gibbs wouldn't forgive him either, but he couldn't let everyone else die because of that. It was a case of choosing the lesser of two evils.

He first freed Gibbs and then did the same with Ellie; next he looked at the doors and realized he wouldn't be able to open any of them; so once again he went for the windshield.

"Be ready to hold your breath." He instructed Grace before he started to kick the glass and when he got rid of it, thing started to happen quickly as water filled the car freely.

He grabbed both Gibbs and Ellie and pushed himself towards the light that was coming from the upside.

To him it seemed like hours before he was finally above the water and as he looked around, he saw that they'd gone over the railing of a bridge, so he swam towards the bank of the river and pushed both Gibbs and Ellie to the dry land, opened their airways and checked for their pulses. They both were still unconscious, but at least they weren't dead.

"Hey, you guys OK?" The voice he heard from above the bridge was one of the most heavenly things he'd ever heard. He knew they were safe from those who wanted them dead when he looked upwards and found a crowed looking down at them worriedly.

"Call 911."

"Already did. They're on their way."

"I'm a Federal Agent. And so are these two." Tony mentioned to his unconscious colleagues. "They're breathing, but I gotta go back. I still have got another person in the car. She's stuck. Send the rescue team down there the moment they arrive, will you?" He shouted the words and it was taking more energy that he thought was possible, but when the woman who'd been talking to him nodded, he knew that he'd at least made himself clear.

"I'll be right down there. We'll take care of your friends." She shouted back.

"Thanks."

Tony didn't waste any more time; he took a deep breath and went down again, hoping against hope that Grace wasn't dead.

When he found her, she was still not breathing the dirty water, but she seemed to be running out of oxygen, so Tony grabbed her face and looked her in the eyes.

She seemed a little surprise, but soon she understood what Tony was trying to do and when Tony covered her mouth with his own and sent his reserve of clean air into her mouth and lungs, she didn't let any of that precious air get wasted.

Tony was feeling lightheaded, but he needed to keep Grace alive, so he made another eye contact with her before going back up once again.

Soon he was back and repeated the same procedure and it became his routine for the next few minutes; he had no idea how many times he'd done that, but by the time he found two members of the rescue team beside him in the water, he was acting on autopilot. The blood loss, the pain, the lack of oxygen, the cold water and the stress of the situation had pretty much shut his brain off. So when he saw the oxygen mask over Grace's face, he knew there wasn't anything else he could do for her and just hoped that she'd survive this; he'd done his job to the best of his ability and seemed like he was done, so he just closed his eyes and let go.

**.**

**.**

**TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

Tony woke up in the hospital three days later, not remembering a thing after he'd lost consciousness in that river.

Then, he learned that apparently by losing consciousness, he'd almost died because he'd still been in the water and so it'd quickly filled his already strained lungs. By the time the other firefighters noticed that he was floating in the water, face down, he'd stopped breathing and it'd taken a lot of effort on their part to bring him back. But they'd just managed to finally restart his heart and soon they intubated him and rushed him to the hospital where he was treated for his injuries and the damaged lungs.

He had a severe concussion; had lost a significant amount of blood from his head wound and the wound to his side that he'd ignored when he'd woken up in the car and contracted a pretty nasty infection from the same wound; the fact that he'd breathed dirty water and had ended up with cardiac and respiratory arrest only worsened his already precarious situation. Add all that to the strain he'd put on his lungs and heart to keep Grace alive and it'd become clear why the medical team didn't think he'd make it.

But he'd once again beat the odds and had woken up, albeit way less than hundred percent. He was weak as a new born kitten and couldn't take in enough oxygen without the help of the oxygen mask. His chest and side hurt like hell and he was still hooked to more machines and IV lines that he liked to acknowledge, being pumped full of the strongest antibiotics known to man.

None of those things mattered to him, though. What mattered was that he'd failed Grace.

Oh, she was alive, but she was in a coma in the ICU and the doctors didn't know when, or _if_ she'd ever wake up.

Ducky had seen right through his facade and kept saying that what had happened to Grace wasn't his fault and he couldn't have possibly done more; that he was actually a hero; _'not that we're surprised; not anymore. You keep doing things like that.'_ Abby had jumped in and Ducky had smiled and nodded; he'd also added that it was due to the blood loss and the amount of time it'd taken the firefighters to free her that she'd slipped into a coma.

He'd nodded, thanked them, but deep down he kept chastising himself, feeling responsible for what had happened to her.

Ellie had been discharged by the time Tony woke up from his own coma and kept showing up in his room, thanking him and talking to him to keep his mind busy; Jake, her husband, had stopped by a few times, surprisingly when Ellie wasn't around and the man wouldn't shut up about how grateful he was that Tony had saved his wife.

McGee also showed up every night to update him and talk to him; he informed Tony that the Director had put a guard at Grace's door and that they were working hard to find whoever had caused the accident.

Even Vance had once shown up to tell him that what he'd done had been above and beyond the call of duty and that it wouldn't go unnoticed.

But Tony didn't care about those things, either. He'd barely registered any of those visits and every time he said something in return, he'd sounded more like a robot. It'd worried them all, but they didn't know what to do about it and they didn't know the real reason behind Tony's strange behavior.

They could say that Tony was blaming himself for Grace's situation, but what they didn't know was that Gibbs, too, had blamed the younger man for it, which had clearly added a great deal to the weight on Tony's chest.

The older agent had stopped by only once and it'd been merely to chew Tony out. He'd been extremely blunt and cold when he told Tony that in his eyes the younger man had failed in his duty towards a civilian and no matter how hard Tony tried later, he couldn't stop going through that conversation in his head.

It had been around midnight of the second day that he'd woken up from his coma when Gibbs had shown up. Apparently, the older man had also signed himself out AMA that day and was just back to give Tony a piece of his mind.

"What the hell were you thinking, DiNozzo?" He'd growled upon entering his room.

"I didn't have a choice, Boss. I did the best I could." Tony had said quietly; he didn't need to ask Gibbs what he was talking about.

"You always have a choice and you _chose_ to leave a civilian, a witness to die in that car under the water. I'm so disappointed in you."

"Boss-" Tony's eyes were filled with anguish. "You would've all died."

"Well, then we would." Gibbs had almost shouted. "You had to get her out first."

"She was stuck. I couldn't do anything. I could've gotten her killed if I had tried." Tony, too, raised his voice and then winced when pain surged through his body.

Had it been any other day, Gibbs would've backed off at the look of pain on Tony's face and by the logic behind his words, but that night, Gibbs wasn't himself, the only thing he could think of was the fact the their witness might die and it was just too much like the way he'd lost his girls. NIS had failed him and his girls all those years back and now he'd failed another family. And Tony was the easiest target.

"At least it wouldn't have been for the lack of trying."

"You would've blamed me nevertheless." Tony spat tiredly. "I did my best to keep her alive." He added quietly, sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than his boss.

"You'd better have a plan B for your future; I don't stand people like you on my team."

Tony's heart sank. "Whu- Boss-"

"Don't call me that." Gibbs growled angrily. "Disappointment;" He shook his head. "Can't believe I've wasted all these years, thinking you were worth it. If anyone had been in your place, they would've had some brains to think and save Grace _and_ everyone else instead of screwing everything up. If she dies, it'll be on you, DiNozzo. Don't know how you can live with yourself."

Those had been his parting words and ever since that night, which had been four nights ago, Tony hadn't heard from his... _apparently_ former boss.

And like Tony hadn't been blaming himself enough, Gibbs' words kept repeating in his head over and over again. _Disappointment, waste of time; failure, screw up_... Those were the things Gibbs thought of him and Tony, being someone who always put all the blames on himself, couldn't even blame his boss for saying those things; he felt Gibbs had been right in his accusations and he truly didn't know how he could live with himself if Grace didn't recover. Logically, he knew he'd done all he could, but he was too heavy-hearted to give into the logic.

And now he was off the team, too and nobody knew about it.

Well, he was Anthony DiNozzo Jr.! Nothing good lasted long in his life. And apparently this was the end of what he thought of as the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He'd been through a lot with NCIS and his team. He'd stood by their side, fought their fights and took their humiliations at times, but he also had made friends, had had fun with them and thought he'd found himself a family.

Family.

Like it'd done him any good the first time around.

Why the hell was he so pathetic to look for another one when his first family had treated him like dirt? Why did he think it'd turn out any better this time?

Tony felt broken; spent, done. Just done. If he didn't have a place on Gibbs' team, then he wasn't going to stay there. He didn't need Abby's pitiful look or Ducky's sad smile and reassurances and he didn't need any damn award or commendation for his bravery and heroic action as Vance had said he'd receive; what the hell did he need any of those things for?

Night after night, Tony lay there and thought about his regrets over Grace's condition and what Gibbs had said and for the first time in his life, Tony wished the paramedics hadn't been able to bring him back when he'd died in that river.

.

Despite what Tony thought, everyone had noticed that something had happened between him and Gibbs, because while the older man had gone back to work and would go to the hospital every night, he hadn't visited Tony once; he'd spend his time in Grace's room and not once had he asked or looked concerned about Tony's well-being.

That was totally unlike Gibbs and everyone knew it.

They'd tried to bring up that subject, they all had, but Gibbs had always put an end to it quickly, even when it was Abby talking about it.

That was until Ducky called him to the morgue to discuss a case with him.

Once Gibbs got there, Palmer quickly left the lab and then Ducky had pressed the lock button.

"What the hell, Duck?"

"No, what the hell, _Jethro_." Ducky had retorted calmly, sounding totally unlike himself, using the curse word; and even though his face was calm, there was a fire in his eyes that would scare even his dead patients and his voice was laced with anger and iciness.

"Thought you wanted to discuss a case."

"You thought right. The case of one Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

"For God's sake, Duck. Not you, too."

"Shut up, Jethro and listen to me." The older man approached his old friend and made him take a step back. "I have no idea what has possessed you, but everyone can see that you're blaming Anthony for the misfortune of Miss Ray and for the love of Lord, none of us can fathom why. Our Anthony has been a real hero and you'd better stop acting up to that second 'b' in your name and tell him so."

"Tell him so?" Gibbs barked incredulously. "It's his damn fault Grace is in that damn ICU room. DiNozzo failed her. He failed me."

The slap he received to the face was something that he'd never thought he'd receive, not from Ducky.

"Can you even hear yourself?" The ME reproached coldly. "Poor Grace was stuck; it took the rescue team 15 minutes to free her and they had every sort of equipment. What on Earth do you think Anthony could've done for her bare-handed? I was not there, but from the reports, I can say that what Anthony has accomplished is once again far above anything anyone in his position could've done. You couldn't have done any better. He was injured pretty badly; yet he saved both you and Eleanor and went back for Miss Ray. Yes, if it wasn't for him, Miss Ray wouldn't be in that room, but merely because she'd be my guest in one of those drawers." He pointed towards the drawers were they kept their dead bodies.

"Anthony kept her alive until the rescue team arrived and let's not forget that his lungs are damaged and while what he did to keep that young woman alive might be hard for everyone it must have been way more onerous for him. And yet you dare blame him for the whole thing." Ducky felt he could slap the lead Agent again, but he restrained himself. "While you're handing out blames so generously, why do you not put some blame on yourself, as well? It is possible that if you hadn't been driving like your usual self, you could have been able to stop the car instead of losing the control and ending up in the river; you might've been able to prevent the whole thing and then Anthony wouldn't have been stuck between a rock and a hard place and let's not forget that he came out with flying colors, nevertheless." The old ME felt bad for putting the blame on his friend, but he thought with himself that maybe the Lead Agent needed a taste of his own medicine in order to realize the pain he was causing Anthony.

The last part of Ducky's reproach hurt worse than the actual slap Gibbs had received a few minutes earlier. He turned on his heal and walked to the door and slammed his hand against the glass when it didn't open.

Ducky pushed the button with no more words and let his old, stubborn, and sometimes bastard of a friend walk out. He knew he needed to give the other man some time to get his head out of his backside, _as youngsters would say,_ and he just wished he hadn't been forced to say those hurtful words to make him see reason. He'd deal with Jethro's guilt later, but right now, he needed to make him see the light and fix things with Anthony or they would lose the young, fine man for good.

And he didn't even know that Gibbs had already fired Tony from his team.

**.**

**.**

**TBC ...**


	3. Chapter 3

That night Gibbs didn't go to the hospital; not because he was still blaming Tony, no; in all honesty, he knew Tony too well to even think he hadn't done his best; he just was used to lash out at him and that was what he'd done.

That night he didn't go to the hospital, because he knew if he went, he'd find himself in Tony's room instead of Grace's and he knew he wasn't ready to face the younger man. He knew he had to blame himself for the whole thing and while he wanted so bad to believe Tony could've done more, he knew he'd already worked miracles and he knew he hadn't been fair to the younger agent and now the weight of guilt was even heavier on his chest. He'd been blaming himself from the beginning, but usually he wasn't one to admit to a mistake and he sure wouldn't show it; so the easiest thing had been to lash out at the one who deserved it the least but had always taken it without a word.

The truth was that guilt and grief had blinded him and as one thing led to another, at the end, he'd done something he'd never done before; at least not to this extent and now he wasn't sure he could take it back. He wasn't sure he could get Tony to believe him and forgive him now.

If he hadn't been driving so fast, he knew he would've been able to control the car; but no, he had to drive like a lunatic and put everyone's life in danger. And now Grace was in a coma, Ellie had a cracked collar bone and a concussion and Tony had ended up almost dying; correction, he _had_ died, as a consequence of putting too much pressure on his already weakened body; they'd just been lucky enough to have him back among them and what had Gibbs done? Instead of praising him, he'd gone and blamed the whole thing on the younger man and with so many hurtful words. Gibbs knew Tony's sore spots and he'd deliberately aimed for them, and he was ashamed to remember that he'd felt satisfied to see the hurt and pain in Tony's eyes when he'd said those things to him the night he'd visited him.

And what was worse than anything was that the one who was actually responsible for their accident was still out there and they had no way to find him. Oh, they all knew he was somehow related to the man they had in custody; but they had no evidence to confirm their suspicions as the bullet they'd found was clean of all prints and so there was practically no way to find him now. And with Grace in a coma, Brian Mandy, the killer of two innocent women, would go free.

He'd called Tony a failure, but the truth was that he himself felt like one and everything that he'd spat at the younger man, were the things he'd been feeling about himself.

He knew he needed to fix things with Tony, but he wasn't sure this time Tony would forgive him so easily. Not when the younger agent was already blaming himself and instead of being man enough to confess to his guilt and make sure Tony knew there wasn't a thing _he_ could've done to change this outcome, he'd added to the younger man's guilt.

Damn, he'd screwed up royally this time.

How he was going to fix things this time, he had no idea.

"Gibbs?"

He looked up as Abby stood in front on his desk and called his name.

"You got anything on our shooter?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"How long are you going to avoid Tony?"

"Abby-" He said with a warning tone.

"No." She stopped him. "Do. Not. Try. To stop me again. We've let you do that long enough. Tony is blaming himself and nothing we say or do works. You're the only one who can put an end to it and your avoiding game is actually adding to his guilt. You gotta go talk to him. Why are you avoiding him? Are you blaming him? Are you? Because if you are, I'll hit you and I'll make Tim take you to the scene again so you can see what Tony's actually done. You can't possibly blame him. How could you-"

Her tirade, which, by the way, was drilling a hole into Gibbs' heart, was interrupted by Vance's voice.

"Agent Gibbs, care to explain to me on what ground you've fired one of my agents?"

"What?" Tim and Abby both looked at the Director with wide eyes.

"Which agent?"

"I didn't _fire_ him."

"You fired someone?" Abby turned back to him.

On a rare moment of remorse, Gibbs wished he'd disappear from that room, he wished he could go back in time and not expel his best and most loyal agent from his team. And just how the hell had Vance found out about it? Gibbs had planned to go and see Tony and take those words back before anyone found out.

"I was angry and just told him not to come back to my team." Gibbs said with a resigned tone.

"Your team?" Abby frowned and then her eyes widened.

Vance didn't say anything for the moment; he wanted to see how things would proceed between everyone.

Ellie was too shocked to move from her place and Tim's head was turned to Tony's empty chair. _Had Gibbs...?_ No. It wasn't possible. Gibbs would never do that. Not to Tony; _never_ to Tony and definitely not when Tony had literally saved the day. Not when Tony was hurt so terribly himself doing so.

"You... Tony?" Abby was so appalled she was hardly breathing; she felt she could faint from lack of oxygen, but instead, her hand moved and before she knew what she was doing, her open palm had connected with Gibbs' face.

Everyone gasped. Even Abby herself.

Gibbs felt like he'd just died a little bit inside. Second slap to the face in less than a day. Not that he didn't feel like he deserved it; but slaps to the face from two of the most important people in his life? He suddenly felt twice his age.

"Oh, God. Gibbs! I'm sorry." Abby had tears in her eyes. "I didn't mean to... Oh, Gibbs. I'm so so sorry."

"Abby-" He called quietly, weariness and hurt clear in his tone.

"I'm sorry, Gibbs. I didn't mean it. I really really didn't mean to do that. I'd _never_ hurt you. I just lost it for a moment. I swear. Because... Ah, Gibbs, how could you?" Her voice was trembling.

Gibbs sighed. "I was angry. I didn't mean it. I was going to talk to him."

"When?" Abby shrieked. It seemed like she was the only one courageous enough to talk, at that moment. It wasn't all that surprising, though; when it came to Gibbs there weren't many people who'd question him. Abby, Ducky, Vance and Tony. The rest still didn't feel brave enough to do so and they'd probably never get there. "When were you going to do that? Huh? You have been avoiding him all these days. And just when did you find the time to fire him?"

"I did _not_ fire him." Gibbs gritted out.

"Oh, so you thought Tony would just stick around when you told him he didn't have a place on your team? You're pretending Tony would've stayed here this long if it wasn't for the fact that he's extra loyal to you and this team? He could've left thousands of time; he'd turned down offers and promotions just because he was loyal to you; and you didn't even think twice before sending him on his way when you decided to blame him for things that weren't even his fault?" She stepped back. "I can't believe you. I never thought I'd fight you one day for a mistake you've done." She bit her lip. "How could you?"

"How did you find out?" Gibbs chose to ignore Abby's question and every else's accusing stares and addressed the Director.

"DiNozzo called me this morning and said he wasn't going to come back. When I told him it wasn't acceptable, he said you've already thrown him out and he wouldn't stay if he wasn't going to be a part of the MCRT. Oh and he hung up on me when I was offering him his own team."

Gibbs felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. What had he been thinking? Abby was right, Tony wouldn't have stayed if he hadn't been loyal to him. How could he not have thought of this before opening his mouth? "Ignore his resignation. I'll bring him back."

"You'd better do that." Vance nodded. "Because I don't wanna have to answer to the SecNav when she finds out we've lost one of our best agents, especially right after he's done something so praiseworthy. Tell him I'm ready to give him anything he wants if he comes back. Right now, I'd even promise him the MCRT; after all, you seem to be in immediate need of counseling sessions and a psych-eval before you can think about leading the team again."

Hiding his wince, Gibbs grabbed his weapon and just walked out, not saying anything back. He didn't care about the SecNav, Vance, his position or anything else. At that moment, all he cared about was Tony; he just cared about the things he'd said to him that had hurt the younger man so bad and about how he was going to ask for his forgiveness. Hell, he'd readily hand over the reins to Tony if that was what he needed to do to show the younger man that he hadn't meant what he'd said and that he had absolute faith in him and his ability.

He barely noticed when the car's other doors opened and Abby, Tim and Ellie sat in the car with him. Nobody said a word to him, and he hadn't expected them to. He knew they were blaming him and were mad at him; he was angry at himself, too, but for now, he had other things on his mind; he knew if he fixed things with Tony, everyone else would forget about this, too.

What they had counted on was to find Tony is his room, so Gibbs could talk to him and well, make amends; what they _should_ 've known was that Tony wouldn't have called from the hospital to let Vance know he was leaving permanently; they should've known that they wouldn't find Tony in his hospital room; that he'd do something as crazy as signing out AMA when his body was still fighting the nasty infection that'd set in due to his scarred lungs and the wound to his side.

When the nurse informed Gibbs that the younger man had, in fact, left the hospital first thing that morning, Gibbs felt the last door of hope had been shut in his face.

"Umm, we should go to his place." Tim suggested.

"He's not there." Gibbs said curtly.

"Why not?" Tim frowned. "He doesn't have anywhere else to go to." He was truly confused.

"Because, Tim," Abby hissed, "he knows we'd try to go to him to talk him out of leaving. Of course, he probably doesn't count on Gibbs being with us, but he still wouldn't want to face us when our fearless leader has so cowardly blamed him for everything and then fired him. Not when he himself _believes_ he is to blame."

 _Ouch_. Gibbs thought. He'd never thought Abby would use the words that she'd always used so proudly to describe him in that sarcastic tone and he'd never thought it'd hurt so much.

"Then what?" Ellie was clueless. "We should just let him go? It can't be an option. Besides, he's still sick, pretty sure he _needs_ to be in hospital."

"Well, that's Tony for you." Tim grinned slightly. "He always leaves too soon; but usually he just does that to come back to work."

"He really is a workaholic." Abby explained further.

Ellie frowned. "But now he won't come back to work. Right? I mean he thinks he doesn't have a job to come back to."

"Right." Tim sighed.

Gibbs listened to his team as they walked back to their vehicle; they were exchanging ideas and treating the whole thing like a case and he hoped they'd come up with something useful.

"But we should double check. Right, Boss?" Tim asked as he sat in the car. "I mean we can't just assume he won't go back to his place."

"Yes, that's a rule after all. And Gibbs _never_ breaks rules." Abby again!

Gibbs wondered if she was ever going to let go of that sarcastic tone; apparently this was his punishment in her eyes and Abby still had hopes to find Tony and bring him back; if that didn't go well, Gibbs knew she'd make his life unbearable.

"Umm, besides, he'd need clothes." Ellie added helpfully.

"Let's go check his place."

**.**

**.**

**TBC** ...


	4. Chapter 4

Just as Gibbs had anticipated, Tony wasn't at home.

He'd been there recently, though; it was clear because an almost empty bottle of water was left on the counter and some of his clothes were missing judging by the empty spaces in the closet and his drawers. But what confirmed Tony's earlier presence in the house for sure, was the bag of prescription medicine on the far end of the counter. Tony had left his painkillers there, but apparently he'd had at least enough sense to take the antibiotics with him, because there was none of those in the bag.

Gibbs was about to ask Abby to trace Tony's cell, when he remembered that Tony still didn't have one after his last one had been destroyed in their accident.

"Can you trace his cards?" He asked instead.

Abby nodded her head. "Yes, if he uses them, I'll find out."

"Oh, seems like he's taken his own car." Tim announced. "And his goldfish have food but they're still here."

"So?" Ellie frowned; she didn't know why that mattered.

"Tony takes really good care of them. If he has left them here, it means he won't just disappear."

"Well, the fact that all his stuff are still here already said that, didn't it?"

"It's Tony. He could disappear for months without a trace if he wants to." McGee explained.

"But if his goldfish are here, it means-" Abby continued knowingly.

"He won't stay gone for long." Ellie finally got the point. "So, now we can trace his cards and his car; we can find him easily."

"Again. It's Tony."

Ellie sighed. Damn; she still had a long way to go to actually know these people. "Guess I don't know him all that well, huh?"

"Don't worry. It's not you. Sometimes I wonder if _I_ know him at all. He's... Well, really complicated." Tim said remorsefully.

"Yeah, I've realized that about him." She nodded her head, looking around the neat apartment, trying to see if she could figure out anything else about its owner.

"The only person who really knows him is probably Gibbs." Abby said quietly as she tapped on her laptop's keyboard.

The three of them were alone in Tony's living room as Gibbs had walked to the bedroom to make a phone call. What they didn't know was that Gibbs was still listening to their conversation.

"Maybe he doesn't know him, that well, either." Ellie suggested. "I mean, he looked actually surprised when he heard Tony had left. He wouldn't have thrown him out of the team if he knew Tony would leave the agency, would he?"

"Huh." McGee contemplated her reasoning. "Maybe you're right."

In the other room, Gibbs almost cringed when he heard that.

"No. Gibbs _knows_ Tony." Abby disagreed immediately. "There might be some things that he doesn't know; I mean it's Tony; he always manages to surprise you; even Gibbs is not immune, although he hides it pretty well; but he does know Tony and I think that's why Tony left. Because knowing Gibbs, he probably has pushed all of Tony's buttons and since Tony knows how well Gibbs knows him, it must've hurt him even worse. That's why he's left without saying anything to us."

"But why would Gibbs do that?"

"Gibbs doesn't deal with guilt well and in the last..." Abby went quiet. "Wow, it's been 14 years."

"Huh?"

"Tony. Tony's been with Gibbs for 14 _years_. Can you believe it? Wow. That's... "

"Loyal." Ellie wondered out loud.

"Yeah." Abby sighed. "Anyway, in those 14 years, Tony has always taken the brunt of Gibbs' anger. He just knows the best how to deal with it. He antagonizes everyone to make them let go of their stress and tension; he just doesn't want the darkness of this job to swallow everyone."

"Ah, yes. I've noticed that." Ellie said proudly. Finally there was something that she could understand.

"And now he's gone." Abby sighed dejectedly.

"Not if we find him." Gibbs announced as he walked back into Tony's living room and went straight to the counter. Grabbing the bag of Tony's medicine, he turned around and walked out of the apartment.

Abby smiled.

"What?" McGee frowned as Ellie narrowed her eyes.

"He took Tony's meds with him."

"Yeah, so?"

"Tim. You call yourself an investigator?" Abby rolled her eyes as she grabbed her stuff and ran after Gibbs.

"What's that su-" He stopped. "Oh." And then he smiled, too.

"What?" Ellie shouted with frustration. "What did I miss again?"

"Who needs those pain meds?" Abby helped her.

"Well, Tony."

"Exactly. And why would Gibbs take them with him?" Tim asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Because... Oh, because he's sure he's gonna find Tony soon and then he'll make him take his meds."

"As Tony would say, bravo Probette, we'll make a fine investigator out of you." Abby laughed as they walked out of the building. For the first time in days, they all felt a little hopeful. A determined Gibbs who'd finally come to his senses was just what they all needed.

...

The hotel room wasn't perfect, but Tony didn't need _perfect_. He just needed a place to take a few more days of rest and quiet to come up with the best plan for his future.

For the first time in a very long time he wasn't sure what he was going to do; sure he had options and he knew it, but he didn't have a _plan_ and for that he cursed himself.

A really long time ago, he'd promised himself to always, _always,_ have a plan B, so if things suddenly went down, he wouldn't go with them. But after joining NCIS and getting closer to people there, he'd let his guard down; he'd settled down and had let himself feel comfortable and at home and look where it got him!

He knew, he just knew that he should never get too comfortable anywhere; that he shouldn't trust the situation for what it seemed, but he'd forgotten this important rule that he'd set when he'd been a kid and now he had to pay the price; it served him right for breaking his own rule; facing an uncertain future with feelings so hurt that could only be compared with the hurt feelings of his childhood and years of abandonment seemed like the right punishment at that moment.

Damn, how had things gotten so out of hand so fast?

Shaking his head, Tony just lay on the bed and bit his lip hard, waiting for the pain to subside to a more tolerable level; a pain that was way more than just a physical pain, making it much harder to deal with.

He'd asked for a room at the end of a corridor that was rather empty, so his coughing wouldn't bother people too much and he'd paid in cash, so that if Abby or anyone else was looking for him wouldn't be able to find him immediately. He knew they'd try, and he knew they _would_ find him eventually since he hadn't even tried hard to hide; after all, it wasn't like he wanted to just up and leave without saying a word to his friends.

Gibbs might've closed a door in his face, but that didn't mean Tony wouldn't say goodbye to people he'd lived with for the last 14 years. He just needed some time to regroup and get ready to face them; face the world. He needed time to work on his masks, so he'd be able to once again put a happy face on and pretend like he hadn't once again been cut to the core. He needed time to remind _himself_ that he was used to sudden changes in his life and to convince himself that he could still do it; that no matter how many years had passed, he still could find something to hang on to and to live for.

He just needed some rest, first. So, he just did that; closing his eyes, he just waited for sleep to come, not even bothering to get under the sheets.

.

.

When he opened his eyes next, it was dark outside the window and the clock on the wall showed that it was twenty past eight.

Wow, he'd slept for almost 8 hours. He couldn't remember the last time he'd voluntarily slept that long.

Pushing himself up, he dug into his backpack and brought out a bottle of Advil and took 2 pills to take away the edge of the pain that was burning his side and his lungs. When he was finally able to breathe easier- relatively of course, because with his scarred, infected lungs, breathing could be the hardest thing in the world- he grabbed the phone on the nightstand and dialed the hospital's number. He needed to know how Grace Ray was doing, but he knew he couldn't go there and face Gibbs who would probably be there; calling was the next best option.

The woman on the other end of the line informed him that there hadn't been any changes to Grace's condition and since, thankfully, she knew all about her case, she was easily convinced to call him if there were any changes. So, Tony gave her the number to the hotel and hung up.

After that he took a shower and pondered ordering dinner, but decided against it when even the thought of food unsettled his stomach.

At the end, he took another Advil plus his antibiotics and went back to bed and once again drifted off; trying to ignore the nagging voice inside his head, admonishing him for taking pills, especially antibiotics on an empty stomach.

The shrill ring of the phone shook him awake a few hours later.

"What?"

"Agent DiNozzo?"

"Who's this?" Tony asked half awake.

"Ashley, from the hospital."

That got his attention and he was instantly alert. "Ashly? What's it? Is Grace OK?"

"Ah, yes, no changes so far. But... Look, I know you were concerned about Miss. Ray's _condition_ , but I thought maybe I should report this, as well. I mean I tried Agent's Gibbs' number, but it went to the voice mail."

"What's wrong, Ashley?"

"Umm, I'm not exactly sure. But a couple of minutes ago the Agent you've assigned for her left the room and now she's alone. A doctor and another nurse are there with her now, but I think there's someone who's waiting for them to leave the room. I mean I tried to ask him about it, but he just said that he's an agent with NCIS, but in the whole time that Miss Ray has been here I've never seen this agent and well, I don't know, it's suspicious if you ask me."

"You did the right thing, Ashley. Thanks for calling me." Tony was already ready to leave his room. "I gotta hang up now, but I promise you to be there shortly. Just do me a favor and call security, too. Tell them to be ready. And please have an eye on Grace for me."

"I can do that."

"Good. Good. Thanks." He then hung up and hurried outside as fast as his healing body would allow him. He cursed himself when he remembered that in order to stay under the radar for a while longer, he'd abandoned his car in front of another hotel and had taken a cab to this one.

Thankfully, a woman was already taking a cab outside and flashing his badge, Tony stole her ride and ordered the driver to drive as fast as he could and get him to the hospital, silently praying that he wouldn't fail Grace this time; because no matter what the logic said, the guilt of his last failure was already killing him.

**.**

**.**

**TBC** ...

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

Using the cab driver's phone, Tony quickly called McGee and told him to get his ass to the hospital and then hung up before the younger man could ask anything. He didn't have the energy to answer questions just yet.

He hadn't expected it, but he arrived to the hospital sooner than everyone else and a security guard was already waiting for him.

They got to the ICU and the silence of the ward sent a chill down Tony's spine. He didn't expect noises in that ward, but that much silence was just not right. And no one was at the desk, either, which just made things look direr.

Quickly, Tony walked to the room that Grace was in. Adrenaline has kicked in and the pain, that had been his constant company during the last few days, had just disappeared.

Signaling for the other man to take cover, Tony quietly opened the door to the room and was shocked at what he saw. Ashley, or a nurse Tony thought must be Ashley was on the ground with a bleeding head wound and a guy was standing by Grace's bed, squeezing the oxygen tube, so she wouldn't receive any oxygen.

Tony was surprised that all the machines were quiet, but then he noticed that the pulse oximeter was attached to the guy's index finger instead of Grace's. That explained everything.

"Hands in the air and step away from the bed." Tony ordered the guy.

The man was startled at hearing his voice; he obviously hadn't heard Tony entering the room, but the bastard grabbed a knife and went for the tube.

"Seriously?" Tony growled. "Drop the damn knife or I'll shoot." He warned one more time and when the man ignored him, Tony saw no other option but to shoot; he aimed for the man's arm and fired which proved to be enough as the dirtbag shouted in pain and dropped the blade. The whole thing had transpired in less than ten seconds, but to Tony it felt a lot longer until he could breathe easier, as he had been scared for Grace's life.

"Now. Slow and easy. Step away from her." The agent ordered calmly and to the guard next to him he said, "The shot will attract attention, please make sure things will stay calm and send doctors and nurses in."

By then, he'd roughly handcuffed the guy who'd been trying to kill Grace and pushed him towards the door.

Just then, Gibbs and McGee rushed in.

Tony froze in his spot upon seeing Gibbs, but he pushed his feelings down and locked his eyes with his younger friend. "Hey, Probie, you missed all the fun."

Gibbs felt like he'd been slapped, _again_ , when Tony averted his gaze from him and addressed the other agent. He knew he deserved it, but it still hurt and it made him a bit annoyed.

"Here. Take him." Tony pushed the man to McGee. "He was trying to cut the Oxygen tube, so I had to shoot him. But he's yours now. Let Vance know that I'll come in tomorrow to give my report and hand in my badge and weapon. Will you?"

He then walked away quickly, even though he really really wanted to know how both Grace and Ashley were doing. He hoped they were alight, but he decided that he'd call later to ask for an update. He couldn't stay there at that moment; not when he was still not ready to face his team; his _former_ team.

"Tony." McGee finally snapped out of his stupor and called after his friend to stop him. "Where have you been? We've been trying to find you the whole day."

"And are you alright?"

It was then that Tony noticed Ellie was there, too. Apparently McGee had still been in the office when he'd called.

Tony stopped and turned around. "Oh, Ellie B. Didn't see you there. Of course I'm alright. I'm always alright." He plastered the most fake grin on his face and continued as he remembered more important issues, "By the way, you need to check on the agent who is supposed to be guarding Grace. When Ashley called me, she said he'd stepped away from his post and had left Grace unguarded. Seems like he can't be trusted."

 _OK, done._ He'd said all important things and now it was time to go; so he turned on his heel and was about to leave when a hand grabbed his arm.

Looking back, he found Gibbs there, with a hand on his arm.

"Please take your hand off." Tony said coldly.

"DiNozzo-"

"Agent Gibbs. Take your hand off. Now" Tony gritted out.

Gibbs was sure he'd gone a little pale when Tony called him by his title. He didn't let go, though. He wasn't anything if not stubborn. "Please." He could turn down the bastardness when it was needed, though.

Tony frowned. "Gibbs. I don't know what else you want. But I did what I could. I know you blame me and believe me, I blame myself more than you could possibly do, but the truth is there was nothing more I could do. Not then and not now. And according to you, I'm done and have no place on _your_ team." He said with a sarcastic tone. "I'm tired, now please let go of my arm."

Ellie and McGee were eyeing them with scared, worried eyes, but they both remained quiet. The criminal McGee was holding was demanding medical attention, but nobody spared him a glance.

"I need to talk to you." Gibbs said quietly.

"You said everything the other night. I hope you can nail the bastard behind this, but I'm outta here. It's not my job anymore. If..." He clenched his jaw for a second. " _When_... When Grace wakes up, let her know that I'm sorry for everything." And then he pulled his arm away and walked out as quickly as he could.

 _'Disappointment, failure, waste of time, screw up.'_ Gibbs' words were once again ringing in his ear as he walked out of the hospital. His heart was heavy and he felt broken _and_ truly pissed, but at least this time he'd walked away before Gibbs could chew him out again or before _he_ could say things he'd regret later; not for saying them, but for spatting them while he was so angry.

He was about to get into a cab when Gibbs' voice stopped him. "It was my fault."

Tony halted and turned around. He found all three agents behind him, they were breathing fast, a clear sign that they'd run and had taken the stairs instead of the elevator and the guy -' _damn he should've at least asked for his name'-_ wasn't there with them.

"McGee, where the hell is that dirtbag?"

"Oh, he's with Agent Chandler's team." The younger man rasped.

 _'Greg was there?'_ Why hadn't he noticed? Tony wondered but then he shook his head; it didn't matter; at least Greg Chandler could be trusted.

"Tony, it wasn't your fault. It was mine." Once again Gibbs talked to get his attention. "I don't blame you. I never did."

Despite himself, Tony chuckled bitterly. "Yeah, Sure."

"I was just blowing off steam. I blame myself. Not you. You did great. Both tonight and the other day."

"Whatever. Since when you take back your words, anyway?" Tony was now facing them and had his arms crossed over his chest. Well, apparently he wasn't going to have that needed time to regroup; what else was new? Nothing ever went the way he wished.

Gibbs' voice when he spoke was almost soft, like he was trying to talk someone out of committing suicide. "I mean it. But can you just come with me? We can talk ab-"

"Gibbs. There's nothing to talk about." Tony growled. "You wanted me out. I'm out. End of story."

"I don't want you out."

"You sure sounded like you did when you called me a disappointment and a waste of time. Or when you said I didn't have a place on your team anymore." He vaguely noticed Ellie as her hand shot to her mouth and McGee as his eyes widened in shock. Mostly, he noticed Gibbs' flinch. Gibbs never flinched. Never.

"I'm sorry."

He didn't apologize either. But that didn't matter anymore. He couldn't bend anymore and he wasn't going to let Gibbs break him; not with a half-assed apology, just so he wouldn't lose his whipping boy.

He was about to say just that when suddenly a coughing fit hit him and it was so hard that it brought him to his knees. Soon, he couldn't draw a single breath and then pain had engulfed him and it was putting so much pressure on his chest that he absently wondered if it could deform his body and dent his chest. And that was the last thought that crossed his mind before the black curtain dropped over everything.

...

Gibbs rubbed his forehead as he sat beside Tony's bed and waited for the younger man to wake up.

The doctor had informed them that the infection in his lungs had been the reason behind his uncontrollable coughs and the pain the coughing had caused must've been excruciating, leading him to losing consciousness.

They had once again hooked Tony to IVs to control his pain and the infection and had put an oxygen mask over his face.

Gibbs didn't know whether to be angry or grateful that Tony had signed out early, because as stupid as it was, it'd been the only thing that had ultimately saved Grace's life once again. The whole ordeal hadn't affected Grace at all and although she was still in a coma, her doctor believed there was a huge chance that she'd wake up from it soon. The nurse had ended up with a concussion, but nothing more and if Tony hadn't left and hadn't asked the nurse to call him, nobody would've been any the wiser when that guy had gone to finish Grace. Not until it would be too late.

Once again, Gibbs had messed up and Tony had cleaned it. His new phone had been off, because with everything on his mind, he'd forgotten to charge the battery and it could've cost them greatly.

It seemed like every time Tony ignored his own health and went against medical advice or simply did something insane, someone's life was saved. One way or another. There were so many examples of that that Gibbs couldn't even count them all. He'd once saved Kate and McGee, _and Abby_ , by coming back to work early; he'd saved Gibbs' life along with that of Maddie Tyler's; he'd saved Ziva's life and... There were just so many examples and all the time that it'd happened, it'd come with a personal cost for the younger man and yet he never stopped to think about himself before jumping head-first in a dangerous situation in order to help someone else. Heck, he'd joined the Law Enforcement after saving that kid in Baltimore without thinking about his own safety and he'd taken this job because he'd wanted to make a difference and had wanted to genuinely help the others and after so many years, he was honestly one of the few who hadn't lost their perspectives. What he'd done for Grace, _and them_ , was just the most recent example.

Gibbs was just glad that he'd stopped Tony from leaving again and had been close enough to catch him when he'd lost his balance and consciousness. God knew he didn't need another concussion so close to the previous one.

Now, he'd sent McGee and Ellie back to the Navy Yard with Larry Grey, the guy who'd tried to kill Grace twice, once on the road and once here at the hospital. And finally, he was alone with Tony. He needed to be there when his agent woke up. He needed to tell him that he knew he'd screwed up and that Tony couldn't leave, because Gibbs didn't want a team without his loyal SFA and that everyone would be devastated if he left. Tony's departure wouldn't be like anyone else's. Because every time one of the team had died or left, Tony had been there to pick up the pieces and to make sure everyone was alright; but if _Tony_ left, they'd all fall apart and nobody would feel like going back to normal.

Gibbs knew he had to try really hard to convince Tony; and part of him was kinda glad that Tony was again bedridden, because it meant he couldn't run away and he had to listen; just like the first time a few days back. The difference was that this time, Gibbs had his head pulled out of his butt for him and was aware that he was going to have some serious groveling ahead of him.

**.**

**.**

**TBC** ...


	6. Chapter 6

The smell of coffee was the first thing that Tony's tired mind registered and right then he knew he was screwed.

In a matter of seconds, he was so alert that it was like he had never lost consciousness. He could clearly remember Gibbs' words in the hospital's parking lot and he seriously didn't want to hear them again or deal with them so soon; and if he was smelling coffee, while waking up in a hospital bed, it meant Gibbs was there and he would want to talk.

Maybe he could play the injured-person card and avoid that talk for a while, but it was clear that Gibbs wasn't going anywhere, which meant Tony couldn't escape that conversation for long. Still, he really didn't want to talk with Gibbs; partly because he didn't want to let go of the guilt and partly because he knew Gibbs had aimed to hurt this time and Tony didn't think he could let that go. He simply couldn't pretend anymore.

Many times before he'd been hurt by something Gibbs had said or done, but every other time he'd managed to bury it long enough to finally overcome the pain; this time he hadn't had the time to deal and the words had hurt too much. They had been way too cruel and sharp. They hadn't been just anything; Gibbs knew all of his buttons and had pushed them as hard as one could and above everything else, he'd fired him! _That bastard. How dare he?_

"You gonna open your eyes?" Gibbs' voice interrupted his thoughts.

Tony's jaw clenched as he fought against snapping at the older man but he finally opened his eyes and looked at the other man tiredly. He was about to ignore him and call for a nurse to ask her about Grace and Ashley and maybe a light painkiller when Abby stormed into the room, clearly unaware that Tony had woken up.

"You called him a waste of time?" She hissed at Gibbs whose eyes widened instantly and then his head snapped towards the door where he thought he'd find McGee. But the younger man wasn't there.

"Oh, please." Abby rolled her eyes. "You think he'd come anywhere near you after telling me everything? And really, you _really_ think he could hide something like that from me? He and Ellie were acting all sort of awkward when they came back and it didn't take long for them to spill out that Tony had been here and that he arrested your culprit oh and that you two had an argument before Tony passed out."

"We didn't have an argument." Gibbs argued just as Tony said, "I didn't pass out."

Abby opened her mouth to argue back with Gibbs, but suddenly her mind registered Tony's voice and her head snapped to the bed. "O my God. Tonyyyy. You're awake." She rushed to him and bent down to hug him. "Why did you do that? Why did you leave just like that? I mean I know why you did it," She growled the last part, glancing at Gibbs. "But you're one sneaky bastard; you took your car just to misdirect us to another hotel? Where were you staying?"

"Abby, he needs rest." Gibbs said from his chair.

"Oh, right, I wasn't done with you." She turned her attention back to Gibbs, but then she looked back at Tony and said, "I'm not done with him. But I'll come back to you later. Huh? You get some rest."

Tony had raised his eyebrows already but they rose even further when Abby turned to Gibbs and said, "So, seems like it's just getting worse. What else did you say to him? I mean so far we've found out that you've blamed him and have fired him and have called him a waste of time. What else? Huh?"

Tony didn't think he'd ever live to see something like this; Abby angry at Gibbs, demanding answers, actually defending _him_ against Gibbs and more shockingly, Gibbs looking ashamed. Maybe he was still unconscious; maybe this was just a dream.

Gibbs ignored her, though and locked his gaze with Tony's. "I was way out of line and you know me better than anyone; I was lashing out because I was feeling guilty and I knew your buttons so I went for them. Everything I said to you was what I felt towards myself."

Abby had her mouth open to talk but the last part made her change her mind. "Oh, Gibbs." She threw her arms around the older man. "You shouldn't feel guilty either. At least not for the accident; because you totally should for what you did afterwards. But the accident wasn't your fault, either, so you shouldn't feel guilty for that." Well, she could never stay mad at Gibbs; in her eyes Gibbs always had a reason for things he did and never made a mistake and when he did, he fixed it immediately, so everything was perfect; her world was just black and white.

"Yes, Abby, I should. I've been driving too fast that day and that's why I lost the control of the car when the tire was blown and I've forgotten to charge my phone tonight and that's why Grace was almost killed again. Both times DiNozzo saved the day, but it doesn't mean I didn't make a mistake."

"Well, everyone makes a mistake." She whispered. "But is that all you regret?"

Gibbs knew what Abby wanted to hear and he knew Tony deserved to hear it, too. "No." He once again looked at Tony. "I don't want you off my team, Tony. We need you. I need you. And... "

"Ugh, just say it." Abby rolled her eyes and if Tony wasn't so busy dealing with shock, pain, glimmers of hope and still raw and hurt feelings, he would've laughed at the whole thing; he would've at least smirked smugly. But he didn't do any of those things; he just stared at Gibbs with no expression on his face and buried any types of feelings. Positive and negative.

"I'm sorry."

"Yay. You did it, wasn't that hard, was it?" Abby squeaked. "I'm so proud of you, my Silver Fox." She smiled broadly, "But I haven't forgiven you yet." She added more seriously.

Gibbs nodded to her and smiled slightly and then nodded towards the door; the truth was Abby's forgiveness wasn't what he was after.

Abby got the message, so before leaving, she went and kissed Tony's cheek. "I'll be back later. You just get better soon and don't think about leaving again. You are our rock, we can't function without you."

"I _am_ sorry." Gibbs repeated once they were alone; breaking his rule again; rules didn't matter when he was about to lose someone so important. Besides, he figured with the things he'd said, breaking a simple stupid rule was the least he could do.

Tony swallowed and nodded. "Look,"

"No, you look." Gibbs interrupted him. "You went above and beyond, DiNozzo. You should not feel guilty; you hear me? You should be proud."

"Yeah, 'cause things went so well." Tony muttered bitterly; he wasn't even in the mood to remind Gibbs it wasn't what he had said a few days ago.

"You saved me and Bishop. You saved Grace."

"I only prolonged her misery." Tony growled. "I should've done something. She's in a coma because I couldn't help her."

"You were injured yourself and there wasn't a thing you could've done more. I read all the reports of the scene; nobody could've done what you did. You did a great job. And you said so yourself, despite everything you feel, there wasn't anything else you could've done."

Tony's mind was on Grace, though, and her lifeless body in that bed in ICU; there was no way he could forgive himself.

"She would've died, Tony if not for you."

"She might still die, _because_ of me."

Gibbs was oh-so tempted to head slap Tony, but he figured part of the reason that Tony was unwilling to let go of the guilt was because he'd added to it and had let it fester for so many days, so he restrained himself for a while longer; he didn't think he had the right to head-slap the younger man, anyway; he'd lost that right when he'd let his anger get the better of him.

"The night I came to you, I still didn't have all the facts; all I knew was that you'd save me and Bishop and that Grace was in a coma. I was told that you couldn't have done more, but I didn't know what has exactly happened and by the time I found out, I couldn't face you. All along, though, I knew it was all my fault; even when I said those things to you, but I couldn't admit it and... "The older man clenched his jaw for a second before admitting; "And it reminded me too much of another incident in my past." He hoped he didn't have to elaborate and was relieved when Tony's eyes slightly widened.

"Gibbs-" Tony felt bad for his boss but he also felt like Gibbs' past was getting in the way of too many things and maybe that needed to stop. Maybe Gibbs actually needed help; but who could suggest that and stay alive for more than 2 seconds?

"As soon as you're up to it, will go back to the scene." Gibbs announced, not letting Tony interrupt him.

Tony frowned. "There's no need."

"Apparently there is. Your mind is not clear about that day. You didn't look at it like a professional because you were too involved; we're gonna go back so you can look at everything like Agent DiNozzo, processing a scene."

Tony averted his gaze; he doubted it could do any good; he already knew he'd fai-

"Look at me, Tony." Gibbs' voice interrupted Tony's thoughts; he kept using the younger man's first name, knowing he needed the intimacy. He waited until Tony's eyes were back to him. "I let you down, and I can't take back what I said and did; but I can promise you to learn from it. Don't ruin everything because of my mistake."

"Gibbs-" Tony's eyes flashed. _Ruin? He wasn't the one ruining things._

Gibbs winced slightly. "No. Not what I meant."

Tony just snorted.

"I'll fix things." Gibbs vowed and Tony's eyebrow rose again. "I can't heal Grace, but her doctor says there's a great chance she'll wake up and when she does, you'll see that you did more than anyone could in your situation." He paused for a second. "Don't leave."

Tony bit his lip. "Gibbs. It's time... Way past time." He might've been surprised by Gibbs' apology and the fact that the older man had actually used words- _plural!_ \- to make amends; but that didn't mean he could pretend nothing had happened and get back to what they had before; and even then things hadn't been anywhere near perfect, which said a lot about where they were now.

Gibbs' heart clenched in his chest. Pushing down his feelings, he said; "For 14 years, you have stayed by my side; even when I pushed you away and always when I was more of a bastard. Since I left my hometown, no one has ever been by my side for that long." He took a step forward and sat at the edge of Tony's bed. "You are the one who holds everyone together. I depend on you. Stay."

Tony couldn't decide why Gibbs was suddenly being so open; it wasn't the first time that Gibbs had said or done something to hurt him and he knew that Gibbs was aware of that; admittedly, it was the first time that Gibbs had done it so viciously, but it still wasn't like Gibbs to open up or to actually _ask_ him to stay; he had a reputation and over the years he'd never let anything taint it; definitely nothing remotely related to Tony DiNozzo.

So, maybe this was another ploy to make him stay; throw him a bone, keep him happy for a few days and then go back to the same old routine. In the past, a simple _'I'm proud of you'_ or _'I depend on you'_ had been enough to keep him going, to avert his mind from the depth of the hole he was stuck in; but this time, it wouldn't be enough and both men clearly knew it; and Tony was way over worshiping his boss and thinking of him as infallible; not that he'd ever been that blind to think so, but he knew that he'd been accused of it more than once; so it was obvious that he wouldn't stay for that reason, either.

The thing was that even a blind man could tell that he and Gibbs weren't the same and Tony wasn't as close to the older man as he once thought he was; so there was no point in pretending or fooling himself; with the things Tony had seen over the years, he, honestly, couldn't put it past Gibbs to use a few nice words, even if it wasn't his strong suit, to try to keep him there to make sure things had gone his own way. Gibbs did depend on Tony, but that couldn't be enough, not anymore; Tony was done being used by his bosses and everyone else whenever they needed him and then being thrown away when they were done like he, as a person, didn't matter at all. That had to stop.

"That's exactly it, Gibbs. 14 _years_. One would think you'd know me and trust me by now, but no, after so many years you still have to come at me with vengeance and don't tell me you didn't have all the facts when you did it; you could've given me the benefit of the doubt. You _should've_ given me the benefit of the doubt. 14 years is a lifetime, Gibbs, and it wasn't the first time that I had to make a life or death decision and yet your first thought was that I've failed. I've put 14 years of my life in that team; it's as much my team now as it is yours; I've never been anything but loyal to you and after so many years you didn't even think twice before throwing me out on my ass. I don't know what else I should give you to make you trust me and my judgment, to see me as a highly competent agent, if not an equal; honestly, I don't _have_ anything else to give."

Gibbs stood up from the bed and walked a few steps away; he wanted to say he was taken aback by the pain in Tony's voice and his words, but he couldn't really; he'd thought about those things himself and had wondered how he'd made such a huge mistake. Sinking into the chair near the bed, he put his head in his hands. He wanted to deny everything, but how could he when Tony had made such great points? "What happened to Grace was too much like what happened to my girls." Gibbs brought that point up again, even though it was too painful of a memory for him; but maybe he could make Tony see why his head hadn't been in the right place; why he had just opened his mouth and let things out without thinking; because there was no one he trusted more than Tony and the younger man was by far the most competent and capable agent he knew.

"I understand; I do." Tony nodded his head slowly. "And I'm truly sorry; but if it's really so, then you need help, Gibbs."

The anger that flashed in Gibbs' eyes confirmed Tony's earlier suspicious that the older man wouldn't tolerate an advice like that; not even when he was pretty much begging for Tony's forgiveness.

"You better stop right there, DiNozzo-"

"Or what?" Tony snapped back, cutting him short. After all, he didn't have anything to lose anymore. He could say whatever he wanted and if it was too late for him and he was a goner, then, at least, he could get his point across and hope that the same thing wouldn't happen later and Gibbs wouldn't get himself or someone else killed because of the demons from his past. "Or what, Gibbs?" He repeated coldly. "You'll throw me outta your team? Newsflash, you've already done that. I'm already out."

**.**

**.**

**TBC** ...


	7. Chapter 7

The last sentence instantly put an end to Gibbs' ire and all the rage left his body, leaving him spent and pretty much broken; and it certainly didn't go unnoticed by Tony as the younger man forced his rigid body to relax and took a calming breath.

"You need help, Gibbs." He repeated more calmly. "It's been ages since their abrupt deaths and I'm not saying it's time you let go or any BS like that, I know how hard it is to let go of something like that and I haven't been through what you have; but I've been through enough shit to know not dealing with them could one day make a mess that you can't clean anymore." His voice was quiet and he had to forcefully keep himself from dwelling on his own past issues. When Gibbs didn't protest or move, Tony continued, "I'm just saying that every time something happens that reminds you of them, you do something reckless and it needs to stop. You need to be able to remember them without turning to a madman on a warpath. You need to stop using them as an excuse."

That, once again, irritated Gibbs. "DiN-"

"Gibbs." Tony didn't even let Gibbs finish a word; he couldn't believe he was actually saying all those things out loud, but he figured now that he'd started, he may as well, finish it; _in for a penny, in for a pound!_ "Be a fair man and tell me that that's not what you do. You do it unconsciously; you don't mean to do that; heck, you probably don't even notice it yourself and hey, it's clear that you do that to yourself all the time, as well; using them as an excuse to be always angry, cold, distant; a bastard as you like to call yourself. You think that's what they would've wanted you to become?"

"You think you know everything, DiNozzo?" Gibbs wished Tony weren't in the bed; wished he were standing so that he could push him, yell and leave the room; but he'd chosen to have this conversation while Tony was still bedridden; he'd brought this upon himself and as much as he hated this conversation and was mad at the younger man for daring to mention his girls like this, _or at all_ , he couldn't find it in himself to just leave.

"I know enough." He answered calmly. "So, tell me, is this what they would've wanted you to become? Is this what _you_ would've wanted for _them_ if your roles were reversed?" Tony had never allowed himself to approach this topic with his boss and he never wanted to stir those memories; Lord knew he'd hate it if someone did that to him, but this time he felt that if Gibbs didn't hear the truth, he'd get himself killed; he'd rather be hated than hate himself for not speaking his mind and letting the unthinkable happen.

"You didn't know them, so don't you dare talk like you do." Gibbs' angry protest wasn't unexpected.

"No; no. I didn't know _them_. But I do know _you_ and I do know other human beings. No one would _ever_ want something like this for their loved ones." Tony sighed. "Like I said, Gibbs; I'm not saying you should move on and forget about it; I know it's impossible; all I'm saying is that you need to deal with it properly for the first time in years. And I'm not a shrink, far from it; I've got way too many problems to be mistaken for one; but maybe that's why I can say you need help."

Gibbs didn't say another word; he didn't even look at Tony and the younger man didn't know how to interpret it, but he reminded himself one more time that he'd done the right thing and that he didn't have anything to lose.

The upside of the situation was that Gibbs didn't leave the room, not even to get a coffee, so maybe his words had had some affects.

But the older man remained silent for so long that Tony, despite his efforts, drifted off to a restless sleep, lines of pain evident on his face.

When Gibbs looked up and found Tony asleep, but in pain, he got up and pressed the PCA button and watched as, in a few seconds, the younger man relaxed slightly and his breathing became less strained.

He was glad that Tony had fallen asleep; it gave him time to think and as much as he hated to admit it, he felt like Tony's words had hit home. Maybe he was right, maybe he did need help; but no; what could a shrink say that he didn't already know? What could a so-called professional do to ease his pain and help him deal as Tony had put it earlier; especially since he wasn't even one to talk? But then again, what if Tony had been right? Because damn, it did seem like he'd been using Shannon and Kelly as an excuse to always be a bastard and maybe Tony didn't know them, but _he_ did and he knew Shannon wouldn't like the person he'd become.

He was always bitter and everyone let him be because they knew he'd been through a lot in his life and he'd always taken advantage of that fact to do whatever he wanted without giving a damn about the consequences. He even told himself that because of what he'd been through, he had every right to be bitter and cold. So yeah, maybe that _was_ using his girls as an excuse and just thinking about it sent a cold shiver down his spine.

It wasn't like he was just focused on the fact that they were gone and nothing else. He did remember their happy moments; he just wasn't ready to share them with the others and if after so many years he still wasn't ready, then Tony was definitely right and he did need help. Who knew what would happen the next time something reminded him of them; he didn't want to think that he'd do something tragic and irreversible under the name of still grieving for his girls; he was carrying enough guilt around to last him ten lifetimes. At least this time nobody had died and maybe if he admitted it, Tony would accept to stay; he hadn't missed the fact that the younger man had pretty much refused to accept his apology and come back. He'd lost enough already, he didn't want to lose Tony, too, just because he hadn't been able to control his temper and deal with his past.

.

A couple of hours later, when a nurse came by to check on Tony and caused Tony to wake up, Gibbs was still there; much calmer and more determined.

"I want to say I was just lashing out; that the things I threw at you were what I felt towards myself, but that's not an excuse, either." He said the moment they were alone again, not wasting anytime on pleasantries.

Tony tilted his head, not knowing how to react to that confession, which had come totally out of nowhere!

"I'll talk to someone."

This time Tony frowned; he wasn't sure he was even awake.

"A professional." Gibbs clarified, silently confessing that he'd heard Tony and he'd admitted that Tony'd been right.

To say Tony was surprised was an understatement; he hadn't expected Gibbs to even stay there and resume their conversation, let alone accept to do what he was told; and in less than two hours; maybe it was the end of the world. He quietly wondered what the horsemen were like and where they were at that moment.

"If you can't work with me again, then at least listen to Vance." Gibbs sounded resigned this time. "He's willing to give you any team you want; you don't need to leave the agency."

That was another surprising fact. Tony knew Vance' opinion of him had improved, but he'd turned down so many offers that he didn't think a higher position would ever be offered to him again; let alone by Vance. But that was not the point; he didn't want to stay in NCIS if he was going to leave his team; nothing short the MCRT satisfied him anymore and besides, it'd be too painful and although Gibbs wanted him back, he still wasn't sure he could go back. So he remained quiet, studying the ceiling, thinking about the past years and the years yet to come; not certain what the right decision was. He really wished life would give him a break from crossroads and critical decisions; but life wasn't known for giving breaks.

After a prolonged silence, Gibbs looked up, checking to see if Tony was still awake; when he found the younger man deep in thought, but awake, he cleared his throat. He'd delivered Vance' message, but he wasn't ready to give up on having Tony back. "You are right. I can't give you anything that wouldn't sound like an excuse even to myself. If anyone ever told me that one day, I'd lose my sense enough to want _you_ off my team, I would've actually laughed at its absurdity; because not having you on my six in not an option anymore; hasn't been ever since you started on my team and it still hasn't changed and I screwed up royally, but the only way I can show you that I regret it and that I won't repeat that mistake is by proving it by my actions. I need you there, Tony."

Tony didn't know want to stay; but he didn't want to leave, either. At that moment, he really didn't want to do anything at all. He was too tired; like all his reserved energy was spent and he was left with nothing; he couldn't even think clearly.

"At least..." Gibbs paused. "At least think about it some more. Don't make any decision now." The older man added when he realized things were still too complicated.

Tiredly, Tony just nodded and looked at his left. "Grace... Umm... Last night didn't hinder her healing, did it?" Tony suddenly remembered his earlier worries.

"No. She's the same, but she'll get better. And the nurse has got a concussion, but nothing serious. You were just in time to stop that bastard."

"About time, I'd say."

Gibbs winced when he witnessed how Tony couldn't let go of the misplaced guilt. ' _What the hell have I done?'_ He knew how Tony was and he had mindlessly added to his guilt; and now, it was almost impossible to convince him that he'd done an exceptional act that day. It didn't matter that logically, the younger man knew that he couldn't have done more; grief led to guilt. "You were there when nobody else was; even though you, practically, still needed medical care yourself. You pretty much worked miracles, DiNozzo; no matter what you think of yourself and your acts."

"What if he's not the only one?" Tony asked. "Pretty sure Shawn has more than one man to get rid of the only witness of his crime."

"We've doubled her protection detail. Nobody will get to her again."

Tony nodded, feeling better about the situation.

"We've got it, this time. You just concentrate on your recovery now." The Senior Agent stated. "The doctors are hopeful that she'd wake up soon and make a full recovery and when she does wake up she'll be ready to testify. The court won't be held for another month. We've got time."

Again, Tony just nodded quietly.

"Tomorrow you'll have more visitors and pretty sure Ducky would want to give you a lecture. He'd probably have another for me, too." Gibbs growled. "Which I deserve." He added and suddenly came up with something to brighten Tony's mood and maybe shock him into forgiving him; maybe if he knew how much everyone had stood up for him, he wouldn't be so reluctant to give everything another shot. "And if it makes you feel better, Ducky slapped me and so did Abby. In the middle of the bullpen."

That did have the desired effect. "They head-slapped you? Wow."

"Not head. Face." Gibbs clarified, sounding reluctant and wincing a bit as he remembered it.

"What?" Tony frowned; he was so shocked he wasn't sure he'd uttered the word.

"I don't blame them. They were angry for what I've done to you. Rightly so."

"Oh." They'd actually hit the boss in _his_ defense? He knew they'd have his back and stand up for him, but to Gibbs? He could've never imagined _that_. Like _never_!

"I would've slapped myself if I could." Gibbs added, wanting to show Tony that he was totally aware of his mistake and he wasn't trying to make amends just because everyone else was mad at him.

Tony shook his head. "Gibbs, please. I'm not sure-"

Gibbs hastily, without showing his haste, of course, interrupted him. He couldn't let Tony finish that thought. "I know you already have other alternatives; you've always had them. I know you stayed out of loyalty and I know about your rule about always keeping your guard up and having a plan B."

"What? How-"

"We've worked together for 14 years, DiNozzo. If you know me so well, then you can't be surprised that I know you, too." He stared at the younger man. "I know you've felt secure enough to let go of that guard and I know I rattled everything for you when I acted like an ass the other night. But you have so many people here now; you don't need that plan B. I promise you, though; I'll help you with your plan B, so you can have the best plan B, alright? I'll help you with it so you know that I'm aware that if I ever screw up again, you'd be gone without looking back; that I won't get to ask for another chance; but I'll do my best to make sure that your plan B stays just that; just a plan _B_. Nothing more. I never make the same mistake twice. You know that and I will prove that to you again."

Tony studied the Lead Agent for a few seconds and thought about everything he'd heard; well, it didn't seem like a bad plan, he supposed he could go with it and yes, he'd have a plan B and a plan C, in case he needed to vanish; but for now, everyone else seemed to be really on his side and Gibbs seemed genuinely regretful and willing to do different. Of course, it could only be because everyone was mad at Gibbs and the older man didn't want it; or it could be that Gibbs _was_ actually sorry at that moment, but he could forget pretty soon; as soon as Tony was back on duty! Tony seriously doubted he could get back to how things were before; if he did, they'd end up in the exact same spot they did this time and Tony couldn't let that happen.

Maybe he needed to think about it more; or maybe he should just give it another shot, with a few conditions, this time, to make sure they wouldn't do the same dance to the same old song again. The status quo needed to change, because at the moments, it sucked!

Yes, he had to think and come up with conditions and some rules of his own to make sure Gibbs knew things weren't the same; that he wouldn't take everyone's shit and smile, anymore; if Gibbs had rules that everyone had to follow, it was time that Tony set new rules and made following them mandatory, as well.

"Stay?" Gibbs repeated for the hundredth time; sounding more pleading than commanding.

Swallowing, Tony locked eyes with Gibbs. "I'm gonna have rules and conditions." Tony deliberately didn't elaborate; he wanted to see whether Gibbs could accept it blindly or not and besides; he needed _time_ to come up with his new rules and conditions.

That was the best he was going to get and Gibbs knew it; so, as much as it was against his own rules and beliefs, he realized that this was a test he couldn't fail. He did want Tony and his trust back, so he had to show he trusted Tony and would accept whatever rules and conditions he might have in mind. He knew Tony wouldn't be unreasonable and he was aware that with the way he'd screwed up, he owed it to the younger man to accept any changes he deemed necessary. So, as he held Tony's gaze, he gave a firm nod and said, "You got it."

From the way Tony's hard glare softened, Gibbs knew he'd made the right decision and even though it hurt him to know Tony was guarded and didn't trust him like before, he told himself that he'd, at least, have time to prove himself again; he just had to keep reminding himself that he couldn't screw up again; there's only so much even someone as loyal as Tony would forgive.

**.**

**.**

**TBC ...**

* * *


	8. Epilogue

The bullpen was empty; deserted really and as Tony sat there and took everything in and thought about the last couple of months; he couldn't help wonder whether or not he'd made the right decision by accepting Gibbs' offer.

Maybe he should've just left; gone to another agency; hell, accepting another team here at NCIS might've been better; he had never thought this would be the outcome!

.

After his conversation with Gibbs on that fateful night in the hospital, Tony didn't see the older man that much; not until two weeks later when Grace completely woke up from her coma.

The ex-cop hadn't been sure how to take it, so he pretty much stayed away and gave his boss some space when he finally saw him for more than 2 minutes, never approaching him much. Everyone could sense that something had shifted in Gibbs and Tony's relationship, but since they all knew a little bit about the first encounter, none of them was surprised.

Abby, of course, had tried to find out what had occurred between Gibbs and Tony after she'd left the hospital, yet all she'd been able to get from either man, had been that they were working on things and that Gibbs needed to see a professional to prove he was willing to make some amends.

She'd been shocked to hear it and she wasn't sure if Tony'd been right to make Gibbs talk about his girls; she'd even said so to Ducky; thankfully not to Tony, because the old ME had pointed out that if she tried to interfere in any way, Tony wouldn't hesitate to up and leave; that the Tony they used to have around was pretty much gone and this new one wouldn't tolerate people second guessing him and questioning his every move. And once Abby thought about it, she realized that maybe her Silver-Fox did need to talk to someone; it couldn't be healthy to bottle up everything. So, at the end, she'd gone to Tony and hugged him, thanking him for giving things another shot. She was already missing the lighter Tony, but had figured that a more serious Tony was better than no Tony at all.

Ducky, once he heard about the conditions, approached Tony and in few words congratulated the younger man, telling him that no matter what happened, he'd done the right thing and it was a miracle that someone had finally managed to make Gibbs see the light and it'd benefit the ex-marine more than anyone else.

Ellie Bishop didn't think she was entitled to say or do anything about the heavy atmosphere that Gibbs' actions and Tony's demands had created; those two had worked together the longest and if they needed time to fix things, she believed that everyone had to respect it. Despite that, once she saw Tony, she let him know that she was glad he'd stayed and that she thought he had every right to be upset and to want changes. She'd also told him that as much as she liked learning from Gibbs, if she had to choose, she'd go with Tony because after everything that had happened, she wasn't sure working with Gibbs without Tony there all the time was wise and apparently her husband was very much in accord with that.

Even Vance had shown his approval. Once Tony had gone back to the Navy Yard to give his statement, the Director had directly told him that both he and the SecNav were glad he'd decided to stay and that he'd make sure that Gibbs would really see the Psych-eval through before he was allowed to come back.

Tim McGee was probably the one conflicted the most. He'd worked under both Gibbs and Tony for years and while Tony had become like a brother, Gibbs was his mentor and he couldn't help be a little upset with Tony for adding to the pressure they were all under. He was wondering why Tony couldn't just forgive and forget the whole thing so they could get back to where they were before or why he was punishing everyone else for the mistake _Gibbs_ had made. He couldn't get why Tony barely smiled or why he couldn't give a straight answer when he was asked whether he was staying for good or not! Feeling like that, he tried to stay away from Tony as much as possible; yet, he knew deep inside that if he'd been in Tony's shoes, he would've been much angrier and way less forgiving; so despite his feelings, he didn't blame Tony and kept his mouth shut until he could deal with his own emotions and thoughts.

Once Grace came out of the coma, things got a bit better; at least Tony didn't look like he was ready to keel over from the misplaced guilt and self-hatred.

Grace was dealing with some weakness on the left side of her body, but the doctors were optimistic and she was making great improvement day by day. Tony had tried to apologize to her, but she'd laughed at him, saying she wouldn't be there if it hadn't been for the dedicated agent, so him apologizing was all kinda weird and absolutely unnecessary.

She'd thanked him, but not exactly to her surprise, Tony'd brushed her off, not accepting the fact that he'd done something huge; so, she'd taken it upon herself to make Tony see how grateful she was any way possible. Every time they came for a visit, she'd imply how happy she was for being alive and that she knew without Tony that wouldn't be the outcome. And when the time had come for her to testify in the court, she'd once again recounted her story about the accident when asked and had made it clear that had it not been for Agent DiNozzo and his extreme bravery, quick-thinking and selflessness, she would've died and so would other innocent people.

Norman Shawn's case was finally successfully closed as he was sentenced to life and his two accomplices were caught and convicted.

Now, two months later, things were supposed to be back to normal. Gibbs was supposed to have completed his therapy, passed his Psychological evaluation and been back to give them orders with the slight change of being less of a bastard and more of a human.

Tony was supposed to be at least a bit more lenient than when things had started to go to hell after the accident and back at his desk as the loyal Second in Command.

They were supposed to be back to that normal. At least that's what people thought they'd see after a couple of months.

Apparently they hadn't gotten the memo that Tony wasn't going to let things slide this time; because they couldn't be more wrong.

Tony wasn't at his desk; well, not the desk he'd occupied for 14 years, expect some months here and there, that he'd been somewhere else for reasons not important anymore. And Gibbs... Well, Gibbs decided that he couldn't open up and go through with his therapy sessions or his promise.

Four sessions into the whole thing and he'd snapped; it'd taken him almost five weeks to go through those four sessions but finally, in the middle of the fourth session, when the psychologist had dared to suggest that he wouldn't come to terms with his girls' deaths because he enjoyed being a bastard who everyone was afraid of, he'd snapped, called the man a few names and left.

The next psychologist _\- because there was no way he was allowed to go back to work unless he finished his sessions-_ was someone Dr. Cranston had suggested and at first, he seemed better than the first one, but eventually, things had gone down the same path and by the end of the second session, Gibbs decided that the new guy was more of a jerk, because he'd boldly told Gibbs that his rule number six was crap and in order to change and become a better person he needed to change his rules and learn to apologize. He'd even told Gibbs that he needed to make a list of his mistakes and find everyone he'd hurt and apologize to them. ' _What the hell?'_ Gibbs had thought; it wasn't like he had drinking or drug problem! These kinds of advice were for them, not Gibbs!

The third guy, well, this one was a woman, turned out to be worse. After their first session, she'd refused to meet him again unless he could admit he had problems, at least, to himself and when he had protested, saying that was why he was there, she'd pointed out that no, he was there because he wanted his job back the way it had been for years and he was going through the sessions just to maintain the status quo, not to change it for better or because he'd realized he was doing things the wrong way.

After the third failed attempt, Gibbs gave up. He told himself that it wasn't worth it and he couldn't stand talking to a bunch of self-righteous bastards about something as precious as his girls when they didn't know the slightest about losing someone or feeling real pain. And since he'd given up, he had to find a way to get back to work without being forced to see a shrink. He said he would talk to Dr. Cranston, but strangely enough, this time, Dr. Cranston refused to talk to him, saying that those so called shrinks, were actually professionals who were great at their jobs and they knew what they were doing, so she couldn't help Gibbs if he couldn't face reality.

So, at the end, Gibbs couldn't pass the psych-eval. He couldn't even get to it, but that wasn't the reason he wasn't at his desk in the bullpen; the reason was that he had failed to stay true to his words to Tony and as mad as he was at the whole situation, he still hadn't forgotten his promise to his Second. Once he'd realized he couldn't take it anymore, he went straight to Tony's place instead of Vance' office. He was actually ashamed for going back on his words.

Tony could still vividly remember that night. He'd just settled in his bed; he was still tired all the time and though he'd been back on desk duty for over a week, he couldn't deny the fact that he wasn't ready for the field duty yet. He felt like his age and he hated it.

The knock on the door made him sigh, but it was only nine, so he couldn't curse whoever had showed up at his door at that hour. He hadn't expected it to be Gibbs, though.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs had greeted back, accepting the invitation to go inside.

"Umm, what can I get you?"

"Nothing." Gibbs shook his head. "Not gonna stay long."

Tony frowned.

"Just..." Gibbs went quiet for a second and then pushed his hand into his pocket and pulled out his badge. "Came to give you this."

"Gibbs?"

"I can't keep my promise." The older man had said in lieu of answering. "I promised you I'd see someone and get help, but I can't."

Realization hit Tony. "So you're giving up?"

"Dammit, Tony, you don't understand-"

"I don't? Then make me." Tony shot back.

"I can't." Gibbs sounded really old. "I just can't and I won't make you work with me when I can't keep my words."

"You don't need to leave." Tony said with resignation. "I can leave. I _will_ leave; that was the deal. This way you can still have your job."

"No." Gibbs said firmly. "Not only Vance won't let me back, I don't _want_ that job anymore."

"Look, Gibbs-"

"Let me finish."

Tony sighed.

"I meant it when I said I need you at my six; that I don't want to work without you. And now I know I can't have it back."

Tony snorted. "Come on, Gibbs, been there, done that. Remember? You know retirement is not your thing."

"That was years ago."

"And you haven't changed an iota."

"Yes I have." Gibbs said firmly. "I know what I'm leaving behind now and I'm doing that with a clear mind. I won't just quit and vanish. I've decided to become a consultant and I may even teach some courses at the FLTEC."

"Never knew you for giving up so easily." Tony stated coldly, not really impressed by Gibbs' decision.

"Dammit, DiNozzo, I'm not giving up." Gibbs raised his voice, but then he sighed and walked to the window of Tony's apartment. "I don't want to lose everything."

"And how leaving the team prevents that?"

"If I stay... If by some miracle I can get my job back, I will lose you." It wasn't a question and Tony didn't deny it; they both knew Gibbs not being able to deal meant he could once again snap like before and Tony had made it clear he wouldn't stay if Gibbs didn't actually finish his therapy. "And I will lose everyone else and I might get someone killed." He might not be able to talk about important things, but he could finally admit his issue was getting out of hand.

Tony flinched slightly. That was what he was afraid of the most. "So you leave?"

"Just the team." He silently hoped that Tony would get his meaning; that he wished now that he was leaving the team, maybe Tony would stay in touch and become more of a friend. The younger man had been by his side through everything and he'd always point out if he thought Gibbs was making a mistake; Gibbs respected that a lot, even though it seemed like he'd forgotten it for a while there!

Tony smiled bitterly and sat on the sofa. "Everyone's gonna hate me."

Gibbs turned around and studied the younger man.

"Come on, you think they'll forgive me for driving you away? I probably should start looking for a new job, as well."

At that Gibbs looked actually shocked. "You didn't drive me away."

"You say that now." Tony said with no emotion. "And nobody will see it that way."

"I won't change my mind. I already feel more in peace." Gibbs sighed and finally sat down. "And everyone will see it the way it is."

"Like they did last time?"

"Things were a lot different last time, DiNozzo."

"In a way, maybe."

"There's no maybe." Gibbs shook his head. "Bishop won't question a thing you say. She already knows what a great agent you are and how much she can learn from you; hell, I'm sure she'd choose you over me if you were going to leave. McGee will finally make a decent SFA and you know how to put him in his place if he acts up."

"Like he'd listen to anything I say."

"Make him. It's your team now. Show him his place."

"I've always been his superior and you never told me to show him his place."

"Another reason why I wasn't a good Boss."

Tony frowned. "Is this a trick, Gibbs?"

"What?"

"You say you can't even finish your therapy and here you are, readily admitting to being a crappy Boss. Which, you weren't most of the times."

"That's different." Gibbs frowned; not addressing the fact that Tony had pretty much said that he believed he'd been a crappy Team Leader every now and then. "I haven't forgotten your rules or my promise."

"My rules." Tony looked away.

"Those are good rules, DiNozzo. Stick to them."

"Yeah, should've set them first when I started."

"Better late than never." Gibbs commented. "The team already doubts me after the last case; they know it's better if you are their boss."

"There's nothing I can say to change your mind, is it?"

Gibbs shook his head.

"You gonna talk to Abby and Ducky in person?"

"Yes." Gibbs nodded his head. "They, too, deserve to hear it from me. And once I give them my reasons, they'll understand."

Tony wasn't so sure, but he didn't say anything.

"This isn't the end, DiNozzo." Gibbs could almost hear the wheels turning in Tony's head.

Tony looked up from his laced fingers and studied his former boss. He knew he couldn't _work_ with Gibbs anymore, not when the older man hadn't properly dealt with his issues; but if that obstacle was gone, maybe they could develop a new form of friendship; after all, Gibbs had willingly stepped down when he could find a way to get his job back and force _him_ away instead; because he _would_ leave if Gibbs came back without fixing his issues. He was done being the doormat! He studied Gibbs for a few more seconds, and finally when he found what he was looking for in the older man's eyes, he shrugged. "Could be a beginning."

Gibbs smiled slightly. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"Want me to order Pizza?"

And at that, Gibbs had leaned back and grunted his consent.

.

Now, two weeks after that conversation, Tony, who'd finally been cleared for full field duty, was at his new desk as the new Lead Agent of the MCRT.

He was alone in the bullpen, still doubting the decisions he'd made in the first place, yet happier than he'd been in a long time. Gibbs might be gone from the team, but he'd already started teaching a course to the new recruits and he was helping with the international cases in the MTAC.

The two dinners they'd shared since he'd publicly announced his retirement had been friendlier than any other dinner Tony could remember sharing with his boss; maybe because the older man wasn't his superior anymore and it was clear that Gibbs knew that and was enjoying it.

Ducky, Palmer and Bishop had immediately announced their support of the new Lead Agent and had congratulated Tony for his promotion; Abby was upset that Gibbs wouldn't be there every time she would find something, but she, too, had understood the reasons behind Gibbs' departure and had once again told Tony that she was glad Tony wasn't gone; because in a way, they were still all together and a family, even if their father figure had decided to step aside and let them fly solo.

McGee couldn't say he wasn't happy about his own promotion to the SFA, but it wasn't easy to see Tony as the Boss and as much as he knew Tony had always been his superior in the chain of command and deserved the promotion, the fact that he, now, couldn't question Tony's orders and decisions was a bit annoying. He didn't like how clear it was now that they weren't equal and that, now, he could never get the chance to order Tony around.

Still, he had congratulated Tony, as well, and had confessed- _in private-_ that it'd take him some time to get used to things and the new rules; but he wasn't against the whole thing and certainly didn't resent Tony for being the new Boss. After all, he'd had time to come to terms with his feelings about the whole situation and had realized that he was much happier to be Tony's SFA than Gibbs' and honestly, it seemed like Tony was kinda more stable than their former boss. So, he didn't have anything to complain about. Besides, he knew he had to be thankful to Tony for not leaving after everything; being stuck with an angry Gibbs or a new Supervisory Agent would no doubt suck and Tony was his friend and he liked to work with him or share a drink here and a dinner there, after work.

And as Tony sat there alone, contemplating the new positions and the decisions made during the last few months, he realized that Gibbs was right; it was better late than never. He might've been late to finally stand up and speak his mind, but in a way, it'd been the right time. Besides, now everyone knew they had to take him seriously; that he wasn't the clown and wouldn't stand disrespect and disloyalty.

And now that Gibbs didn't have to deal with the stress of a demanding job, maybe he could deal with his grief from the past; maybe he could form friendships that he was afraid of before and maybe that would help him in the long run, too.

Sighing, Tony stood up, grabbed his stuff and walked to the elevator. As he waited for the doors to open, his phone started to ring. "Hey." He answered. "No. I was just leaving the office." He paused and listened to whoever was talking to him on the phone. "Steak? Sure. I'll bring the beer."

**.**

**.**

**\- The End -**


End file.
